Now What? Session #4: The Past Holds the Clues to the Future

A lot of homework in this chapter of Now What - we're asked to write out our life histories in bullet form (template here). The goal isn't to write a CV or a memoir, but to scan the past for clues that suggest what direction(s) might be good to explore. These clues come in different forms:

• Golden Threads: interests/tendencies/patterns present throughout
• Interrupted Dreams: things we had to give up due to a sudden change in circumstances
• Driving Motivators: patterns that took root while you were young but that do not serve anymore
• I'm Good At: being good at something is also a pattern that can hold you back
• Past Promise: what did you show promise in while younger
• Who I Was: who you were or who you got to be at points in your life

OK, let's go! (Note: I altered the recommended 5-year block structure to serve my memory better.)

My Personal History

Birth to age 6

• Born 1986. Precocious. Started talking almost out of the womb and reading at age 1
• Doted on as the first girl child in extended family, especially by dad, granduncle (godfather) and aunty Ee Mei
• Grandma (popo) took care of me. We hung out a lot. Played in all-boys environment every day
• Watched The Little Mermaid, Aladdin and Land Before Time many many times
• Had 2 rabbits: Ariel (from school) and Robbie (from SPCA). Really wanted a dog, wrote letters to parents explaining why we should have one

Lower Primary (age 7 to 9)

• Yu Neng Primary School
• Super popular. Class monitor. Prefect. Everyone considered me their best friend
• Most of my friends were boys. Hung out with group of nerds who tried to build a model airplane
• One of 2 who passed GEP (gifted ed) test. Principal said she was very disappointed there were only 2 that year

Upper Primary, GEP era (age 10 to 12)

• Tao Nan School
• Immediate drop in academic ranking. Slid to bottom the following year. Lost interest in academics, did not pay attention or study for exams. Rejected by basketball CCA
• Only friends were 3 tomboys. Spent most of my free time catching ants for ant farm. Teacher identified me as potential lesbian and tried to intervene
• Realised other kids were super rich and had drivers and 4-storey houses
• Told a boy that I liked him, he screamed and ran away

Secondary GEP continued (age 13 to 16)

• Dunman High School. 100% Chinese muggers. Hated it to the core
• Withdrawn. Spent most of my time etching graffiti into tables, stealing screws, listening to music 
• Spent a lot of time on mIRC and ICQ. Wanted to be loved but felt unworthy as I was fat, pimply and ugly
• Wore oversize flannel shirt (from Far East Plaza) constantly and observed silence on Kurt Cobain's death anniversary
• Met 25 y/o guy at a local gig; he had studied in UK and been to Ozzfest. I guess he was the first boyfriend-type person. I dumped him citing upcoming exams
• Did not study, got poor grades for O levels

JC, Poly (age 17 to 19)

• Decided to enrol in poly (fashion design) to make punk clothes. Many screaming matches with mum
• At mum's insistence I went to Tampines JC before poly started. Learnt the joys of playing truant there. Didn't want to wear uniform anymore so quit school together with gay classmate
• Started SGQueer group on LiveJournal, hung out with a lot of gay friends
• Went to Temasek Poly. Lost interest in fashion, did not fit in with the girls there. Enjoyed the photography classes way more
• Learnt to smoke, hung out with misfits, felt accepted for the first time ever

University (age 20 to 24)

• Grades too poor for uni so dad enrolled me for private A levels. Read Wikipedia entries on the subjects and got an acceptable score
• Got into NUS FASS. Majored in philosophy as it was interesting and I liked being a smartass
• Both parents got retrenched in 2007. Became conscious about money and scrapped idea of staying in hall in uni
• Temp job at Wincor Nixdorf, then worked part-time at kids' speech therapy school throughout uni
• Met first boyfriend at Dream Theater concert. Mum threatened to disown me on account of his race

Early Career (age 25 to 28)

• Got hired as buyer at Kinokuniya. The job was great but I hated being micromanaged
• Bought a lot of books and clothes, partied a lot, dated a lot of people. Tried drugs for the first time. Had string of unhealthy relationships
• Party friend (Sasha) introduced me to yoga. It calmed me down and became a huge part of my life
• Left Kino for I-S magazine and loved it. But the lifestyle was even less healthy. A lot of alcohol, late nights, overwork, and toxic relationships
• Had mental breakdown in 2014 from overwork & relationship problems

Corporate Sellout Era (age 29 to 31)

• Joined SPH as sponsored content producer, boring job
• Healthy lifestyle. Vegetarian + Stronglifts 5x5, lost a lot of weight. Saved a lot of money
• Met a guy on Tinder who said he moved from Spain to Germany because the culture fit him better. Realised I could do the same
• Got a job in NYT in HK. Liked HK, didn't like NYT. Tried to get another job. But got assaulted, so gave up and came home
• Golden period of unemployment in 2017! Family, gym, Jon, freelance, library, solo travel

The Fuck It Era (age 32 to present)

• Joined MoneySmart as writer
• Zenith of career with no dress code or corporate bullshit. Felt best when making fun of or criticising The Man in my articles
• Bought house with Jon, acquired many pets and snacks
• Made redundant in 2019
• Left for other jobs, didn't like them, so came back. Coasted during pandemic. Left again for good in 2021
• 2022 to present: in lieu of a "career", opted for short-term (1 year max) projects e.g. freelance, retail job, travel, Pets Hideout, internship

Reflections

Past Promise/Interrupted Dream: Wow @ my life from age 0 to 10... where did all that promise go!? I seem to have been a natural-born leader as a kid, at least before my life got turned upside-down by the GEP. To this day I still feel very drawn to work where I can express leadership qualities. I'm not talking about being a CEO (although I might have an entrepreneurial streak) but the kind of work where I guide people and give them space to blossom. Okay that sounds corny but whatever.

Interrupted Dream: Getting out of Singapore. This was not an option for uni (due to parents losing their jobs) and my one attempt (HK 2017) was cut short. For all my complaints about the insane cost of living and the blandness of the food, I actually liked HK as it had room for more artists and socialists than SG. There was also a big variety of places to live/visit which really excited me.

Golden Thread #1: I've always been drawn to misfits. If the elite school environment was anathema, hanging around weird/queer/creative/unproductive/unprofessional people was a life force that gave me energy and drive. I realise that, at work, being around "my people" matters a lot more than the work itself.

Golden Thread #2: I've always been comfortable rejecting prescribed systems and doing things my way. Like finding my own friends on LiveJournal or reading Wikipedia for A levels. Maybe I should trust that some of my impulses (irrational as they may seem) are a way to address a need I might not have even admitted to myself.

Driving Motivators: A potential bad pattern that I have is going overboard to impress. I may push myself to excess for the approval/acceptance of people I admire. The wants/needs of others tend to be louder than my own voice sometimes.

I'm Decent At: Getting people to part with their money. Erm. At least it seems that way when I look at my highly capitalist employment history. This may be why I've been mildly curious in donor outreach recently.

Who I Got to Be at points in my life: a leader, the cool chain-smoking bad girl, a party animal, an influencer, an agitator, a troublemaker/contrarian, Josephine Teo's nemesis, an angry socialist

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It's a lot to think about and I don't think I can draw any conclusions right now. But this exercise did help me think about my aptitudes beyond the confines of "work experience".

At the end of the chapter Laura Fortgang tells us that whatever comes out of the exercise, the immediate action we can take is to be more "you" in your present life situation:

The first step out of anything is to start being fully who you are, even under the pressure, disdain, or misery of your current situation or job. It requires no job search or life planning, which makes it the most available and immediate option you have.

At my internship I am not only dealing with the discomfort of growth but also chafing under the supervision of my senior. I do not take well to being supervised at all, that is true. But I only have myself to blame for being passive in the first place. It wasn't even until yesterday that I started thinking about what I wanted out of this work experience! It was a good thing she prompted me or I would have simply been swept away by a whole lot of busywork.

[Tell] the truth about who you are and what you want

(Tell yourself the truth too!)