2024 Week 49: Lost

I forgot to write last week. 

Actually, no. I did write something on Substack: the 2024 roundup piece I had been putting off for a while. Or maybe I should say I co-wrote it with ChatGPT? I have been training ChatGPT to write in my style, so I wrote a rough draft (a bad one) and fed it in. The result was a polished and well-written article: "7 Things I Learnt..." 

And it was absolutely nauseating.

I spent 2 days trying to rub away its oiliness before giving up and unpublishing it.

I think I'm going to vanish from Substack too. I helped Gerard set one up on Friday and he was noticeably uncomfortable (and later admitted as much). 

That made me realise how much I dislike it too. I hate the get-rich-quick premise of it, the bright orange buttons constantly screaming at you. Most of all I hate its algorithm and competitive statistics. 

Substack is really no different from any other social media network. By using it you agree to measure yourself by the platform's benchmarks: subscriber count, newsletter revenue. Honestly, it grosses me out that there are so many terrible writers on it with plenty of subscribers and revenue.

Substack seems to be the "thing" to use if you want to publish potentially monetisable content. But it will die eventually. So there isn't any reason to subject myself to its odiousness anymore.

So much for embracing new technologies (= new ways to feel lousy about ourselves?).

The other thing that's been on my mind is employment. I have been applying for the past couple of months without success. I had 2 job interviews that I was really hopeful and excited about, but both resulted in rejections. Oof. They weren't for particularly high-level posts either - they were of the "$4000/month, 2 years work experience" variety - so I can only guess that my age, cynicism, lack of energy etc. are in my way.

My fallback plan for if I can't get a job was the Social Work Career Conversion Programme. Note the past tense. Having just attended the preview webinar, it looks to be a dead end too, for much the same reasons. Someone on the Zoom asked if there's an age limit to applying. The answer was: (technically) no but (subtextually) yes, because being young and energetic will keep this line of work from killing you outright. In any case, the CCP bond is far too long (3 years) for a casual try-out.

Oh, wait, my pity party is not over! I also got rejected by the writing residencies I applied for. I tried a freelance surveying job that seemed vaguely interesting but turned out to be not my thing. And finally, that AI prospectus project I was excited about last week? Client was not pleased with "my" (ChatGPT's) work. 

Not sure if it's just me in a funk, but I have also lost interest in writing, yoga, and petsitting. I haven't been drawing much either. These days I just spend a lot of time online shopping, reading Thomas Hardy and watching TV.

I don't know what to do. I wish I had an answer. I feel like "other people" can achieve so much in a 1-year sabbatical. I took 3 years off to wander around, figuratively, and still don't have much to show for it.

MON: Jon and I went to JB for his birthday. I feel bad that I didn't plan anything interesting. Instead we just had a 2-hour massage and chilled at a cafe. Torn between embracing being a loser vs. obligation to liven things up.

TUE: walk + pilates + lunch, pet chores, mid-afternoon meltdown, go to Orchard and buy cold weather clothes for Jon, dinner with family at Tonkichi.

WED: walk + yoga + lunch, pet chores, diary, job interview, more shopping for Jon, a little sketching at Tiong Bahru Bakery, meet salesperson at wedding venue. Dinner: rice cooker Japanese curry w/ veg and chicken, fried egg, brown rice.

THU: Redmart, pet chores, arrange wardrobe and fridge, writing aforementioned 2024 roundup post at Starbucks. Dinner: hummus, olives, carrots, bread and Tess of the d'Urbervilles on BBC.

FRI: pet chores, yoga, lunch, bubble tea with Jon :) NVC and catching up with Gerard at Beyond. Dinner: veggie pasta.

SAT: don't know how I spent the morning. Lunch: tofu curry, then online shopping all afternoon. Writing at Bishan library, sushi & ice cream for dinner.

SUN: again, don't know. Curried lentils for lunch. Yoga, walk home, shower. Christmas party at uncle's house.