Now What? Session #3: Self-Imposed Limits

It's been a while since my last Now What session. After coming back from our holidays I forgot about it for a while. But now that things are happening on the work/life front I feel like there are some things I need to sort out.

The third chapter of Now What went much deeper, IMO, than the first two. It's about self-imposed limits and the many forms they can take.

Among the many forms/sources of limiting beliefs Fortgang talks about, the one that resonates most with me is "conflicting desires". For me it's the desire for action (I want to DO something to make a difference) vs inaction (I want to continue slacking).

Or maybe they only appear to be in conflict? Fortgang writes:

The funny thing is that they might not even be opposite desires, but how you interpret them or what you fear can happen makes them appear opposite, which affects your assumptions about what is possible in your life.

When I examine the second desire ("I want to be a slacker") I think it's pretty much a bald-faced lie. When I have nothing to do I look for things to do and places to go. So what could it actually mean? I think it's just that I don't want to be too busy, too overwhelmed, and too bogged down in dreary stuff that feels like work. I don't want to do nothing - I just want to have fun and rest as well.

So in theory this is quite easy to resolve. Rather than allow work to eat up my life (which I have a tendency towards) I could pre-emptively pencil in time off (vacations, exercise, hanging out with friends, hobbies).

Another one that my attention snagged on was "ambivalence". Fortgang writes that the reluctance to commit can stem from trauma. Hmm... Probing a little deeper, I realise the whole anti-commitment thing has a cluster of related beliefs that have accompanied me throughout most of my life:

• I seldom or never succeed in things I do
• I don't have the perseverance to succeed at things
• I'm not willing to put in the effort it takes to be successful at something
• I'm just not driven enough to be successful

I have a pretty good idea of where I might have got these beliefs from. I changed school in Primary 4 and went from being the smartest kid in class to maybe the 80th percentile. So all of a sudden I wasn't good enough anymore. I got all these comments from my mum and teachers, like: "Clara shows potential but needs to focus and work harder". No doubt they were intended to encourage me, but it backfired of course. And 12-year-old Clara still lives on in me.

(It's odd how often the idea of "success" features in my negative self-talk. My notion of "success" is not clearly defined; it seems to just be a tool I use to flog myself. Clearly not a productive line of thinking...)

Exercise: Break Through Limits

This is a 4-step exercise to challenge such beliefs. The 4 steps are: Name It, Examine the Evidence, Shift It, and Cement It.

NAME IT

My basic operating assumption is... "I'll never be successful because I don't put in enough effort."

EXAMINE THE EVIDENCE

I know it's true because... I've had a string of less-than-successes in the past 4 years. My writing gigs died down. The ERE-style shoestring-budget lifestyle experiment wasn't for me. My part-time jobs didn't pay enough to be sustainable. The bunny boarding wasn't scalable. And my current thing, being a "GrabFood scholar", just isn't very interesting. 

Are these cases where I could have succeeded had I put in more effort? Or are they maybe just weird things I tried and then decided they weren't really worthwhile?

SHIFT IT

Is it productive to believe this? Definitely not! Besides, I've already moved on from the abovementioned projects. No point dwelling on what could've been.

It would be more productive to believe... that I can succeed when I'm interested in the work and when I'm in the right environment. 

(Actually, I can believe this because I was totally a Type A overachiever back when I was employed. When the conditions are right I do seem to thrive very well. The problem is that I have ignored the "conditions" part of the equation historically. Which now strikes me as very silly. That's like expecting rice to cook without turning on the rice cooker.)

What is probable is... I can do something with my life that I am proud of.

What is possible is... I can even achieve bigger things if I get over my fear of failing and being judged for it.

CEMENT IT

What models do I have that this is possible? Jon is a role model for me because he's persistent in his current quest to reboot his career. Friends who've made changes in their lives, especially because I have been there through all their struggles. Occasional strangers I hear about who have followed a passion or even a whim that changed the course of their lives.

What action can I take to create my own evidence and conviction?

1. Start my internship!

2. Cook new recipes.

3. Actively choose to do things I shy away from because of previous experiences. (Thinking about travelling with parents here for some reason...)

4. (I can't think of anything else)

5.