Now What? Session #1: What You Hate
Joel introduced the book Now What? by Laura Berman Fortgang to me. It's a self-help course for people in mid-career transitions to help them figure life out.
Based on the cover ("Get What You Want?"... pfft) and the author (life coach!?), I was more than a little skeptical. I was worried it'd be pretentious/empty like Brianna West or irritating/spiritual like Natalie Goldberg. But so far, it's not like that at all. The insights are solid, if a little basic, and the writing style is down-to-earth. I like reading about the author's background as a struggling actress; it made me feel like she had some experiences and wasn't just some privileged white girl.
My life is chaotic and out of control.
I have no time for the things I really want to do.
I have interpersonal conflicts in my workplace or at home.
✓ My home and/or office environment is cluttered and not conducive to good work.
I am the sole provider or caretaker of my immediate and/or extended family.
B. TRUE
I have trouble seeing myself doing anything new with my life.
I pride myself on my position and reputation.
I have put years of investment into my current work or life role.
I feel that my position or role gives me approval and admiration from those around me.
I feel that what I do reflects positively on my family and others around me.
C. TRUE
I have a list of fears and reasons why I can’t make a change right now.
I perceive negative consequences to making any radical change now.
Money fears are a major consideration in my thinking now.
✓ I question my ability to do anything else.
I worry that my age could get in the way of being able to make a change.
D. TRUE
✓ I feel lost and off track but can’t really say specifically what the problem is.
✓ I have a dream (or dreams) that I have yet to fulfill.
✓ There are things I used to enjoy and excel at that I don’t get to do now.
I have a hobby or volunteer interest that I wonder about making into a career.
I have a repeating pattern of failures or mishaps in my work and/or relationships.
E. TRUE
I want to do something more meaningful or to feel that life has more meaning for me.
✓ People are always telling me I should do or be x, y, or z, but I never really feel motivated to fulfill their expectations.
✓ I am not necessarily aware of the impact I have on people and on my community.
I wish I knew how I and/or my work fit into the grand scheme of things.
✓ I often long to know how I can make a difference in the world.
Anyway, now Joel and I are accountability buddies so we have to do the 90 days together. Here's my first exercise:
Assessment
A. TRUEMy life is chaotic and out of control.
I have no time for the things I really want to do.
I have interpersonal conflicts in my workplace or at home.
✓ My home and/or office environment is cluttered and not conducive to good work.
I am the sole provider or caretaker of my immediate and/or extended family.
B. TRUE
I have trouble seeing myself doing anything new with my life.
I pride myself on my position and reputation.
I have put years of investment into my current work or life role.
I feel that my position or role gives me approval and admiration from those around me.
I feel that what I do reflects positively on my family and others around me.
C. TRUE
I have a list of fears and reasons why I can’t make a change right now.
I perceive negative consequences to making any radical change now.
Money fears are a major consideration in my thinking now.
✓ I question my ability to do anything else.
I worry that my age could get in the way of being able to make a change.
D. TRUE
✓ I feel lost and off track but can’t really say specifically what the problem is.
✓ I have a dream (or dreams) that I have yet to fulfill.
✓ There are things I used to enjoy and excel at that I don’t get to do now.
I have a hobby or volunteer interest that I wonder about making into a career.
I have a repeating pattern of failures or mishaps in my work and/or relationships.
(Chapter Four: The Past Holds the Clues to the Future. There are clues in your life story that you may not be recognizing as strong indicators for your future direction.)
E. TRUE
I want to do something more meaningful or to feel that life has more meaning for me.
✓ People are always telling me I should do or be x, y, or z, but I never really feel motivated to fulfill their expectations.
✓ I am not necessarily aware of the impact I have on people and on my community.
I wish I knew how I and/or my work fit into the grand scheme of things.
✓ I often long to know how I can make a difference in the world.
(Chapter Five: Your Purpose in Life Is Right Under Your Nose. A sense of purpose will give great context to your life and help ease you into new and satisfying directions.)
F. TRUE
I have ideas about what I’d like to do, but I’m not sure how to go about them.
✓ I am not exactly sure what would make a job or role satisfying for me.
✓ I vacillate between a few future possibilities but have yet to decide on one that suits me.
I am not sure if I can find a career that fits my values.
I want to be certain before I make a move that it will work out.
G. TRUE
I dread looking at my money situation.
I already live beyond my means and wonder how I could ever support a change.
✓ I have been financing a lull in work activity.
I do not have a money plan for making a transition.
I am convinced that any change would mean a step backward financially.
H. TRUE
I am a realist.
I avoid any strategy that is not logical and almost foolproof in its desired outcome.
It’s hard for me to invest in things I cannot see or touch.
I tend to need external proof before trusting someone or something.
I take on new ideas slowly.
I. TRUE
I tend to do more for the people around me than they do for me.
I find it hard to ask for help.
I often drop what I am doing when someone else needs my help.
✓ I wish I had more of a personal and professional network to tap into.
There are people in my life who doubt me or think I am crazy to make a change.
J. TRUE
I have no plan for transitioning to something new.
✓ I find it hard to manage many projects at once.
✓ I tend to make progress on projects in spurts instead of being consistent.
✓ I tend to lose interest if I come up against roadblocks while I am executing a plan.
✓ I have a lot of ideas that I have done nothing about (projects, jobs, products, the arts)
F. TRUE
I have ideas about what I’d like to do, but I’m not sure how to go about them.
✓ I am not exactly sure what would make a job or role satisfying for me.
✓ I vacillate between a few future possibilities but have yet to decide on one that suits me.
I am not sure if I can find a career that fits my values.
I want to be certain before I make a move that it will work out.
G. TRUE
I dread looking at my money situation.
I already live beyond my means and wonder how I could ever support a change.
✓ I have been financing a lull in work activity.
I do not have a money plan for making a transition.
I am convinced that any change would mean a step backward financially.
H. TRUE
I am a realist.
I avoid any strategy that is not logical and almost foolproof in its desired outcome.
It’s hard for me to invest in things I cannot see or touch.
I tend to need external proof before trusting someone or something.
I take on new ideas slowly.
I. TRUE
I tend to do more for the people around me than they do for me.
I find it hard to ask for help.
I often drop what I am doing when someone else needs my help.
✓ I wish I had more of a personal and professional network to tap into.
There are people in my life who doubt me or think I am crazy to make a change.
J. TRUE
I have no plan for transitioning to something new.
✓ I find it hard to manage many projects at once.
✓ I tend to make progress on projects in spurts instead of being consistent.
✓ I tend to lose interest if I come up against roadblocks while I am executing a plan.
✓ I have a lot of ideas that I have done nothing about (projects, jobs, products, the arts)
(Chapter Twelve: Following Your Life Blueprint. Implementation and execution are just as important as innovation. Putting one foot in front of the other and monitoring all your opportunities are key to moving on.)
Exercise: What Do You Hate?
- I hate working downstream of leaders whose characters I do not respect. It irritates me to see bullshit people benefit from my brains. (What I want: to work with people/organisations of good moral character.)
- I hate any kind of work that exacerbates social problems. For example I was really uncomfortable doing sponsored content for luxury property developers and writing about real estate investing. My previous workplace cut funding for the team that IMO produced work with the greatest public value. (What I want: to do public service?)
- I don't like work situations where I'm just a "warm body". Like an anonymous labourer/service provider and my personal aptitudes etc. are not needed. I don't feel satisfied by just coasting by doing the kind of work that's "below my level". (What I want: individual recognition, challenging work to feed my ego?)
- I hate the attitude of people who think they're too good to work. The whole early retirement/4-hour workweek identity doesn't gel with me. There's got to be more to life than pleasing yourself. (What I want: other-orientedness)
- I hate having to hustle for my own business. And I hate making only enough money for basic living expenses with little/no extra padding. (What I want: a steady paycheck that allows me to feel comfortable about spending on important/nice things)
- I hate being sick and/or feeling physically suboptimal. (What I want: a health-promoting job/lifestyle i.e. not desk-bound, ventilated, requires some physical activity but not to the point of injury, allows me to eat regular meals, not toxic etc.)
Thoughts
I found this exercise challenging because, due to my extended sabbatical, I've already put considerable distance between myself and my formerly hateful work/life situation.
Still, it was surprising how easily I could summon icky feelings about prior experiences. This is remarkable because there was definitely a time when I idealised my old job as a writer. Even after getting made redundant I thought it was the dream job. I guess it took a few years for me to finally see my experiences in a more balanced light.
Thinking of the stuff I tried after leaving full-time work - freelancing, working in retail, rabbit grooming and boarding - I found a few things to hate, too.
I'm glad to do this exercise because as someone who's carved my own path in the last couple of years, I feel the need to pretend that everything is great to save face. So just having a space to be honest about the negative bits is freeing.
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