The Artist’s Way: Week 5

 This is week 5 of Julia Cameron’s The Artist’s Way. If you’re interested, here are links to the earlier weeks: week 1 / week 2 / week 3 / week 4.

The limits we place on ourselves.

This week is about becoming aware of the limits we place on ourselves and on the amount of good fortune that we receive.

We usually express limits as “I can’t do XX because I am a good parent…” or “My spouse doesn’t allow me to XX…” often implying that our constraints come from the external world, and that we would do otherwise “if only” we were allowed. In reality, these are often limits we place from within.

By denying ourselves things that are important in the name of being “good”, we harm our true selves. By using this idea of the responsible adult who pays the bills as a shield, we limit what we can do with our creativity and how far we can go in making our dreams come true.

The fiction of the “good person” bugs me a lot. I have at many points felt incredibly burdened by the responsibility of making everyone around me happy: my parents, Jon, our pets…

Well of course part of it is historical, a product of dysfunctional family dynamics. But why did I simply replicate the same ways of relating in the household that I set up? Instead of rejoicing in the wonderful family I have now, I sometimes feel resentful of the obligations and restrictions “it” (actually me) places on me. What I didn’t realise is that, as the author of said obligations, I also have the power to remove, negotiate, and/or delegate them.

A gift from the universe?

In the few short weeks since we started doing The Artist’s Way, I’ve come to accept a jarring truth: my professional success has poisoned my true/artistic self. In monetising my interest in writing, I have inadvertently harmed it. So, I have been allowing myself to dream about income streams that do not exhaust my creative energy.

One of these dreams is to run a pet boarding business, and, after bouncing the idea off Jon, I listed it on Carousell 2 weeks ago. Well, this week, we welcomed our very first bunny hotel guests! And the bookings just keep coming.

I have always been obsessed with the finitude of my resources (time, money), believing them to have a direct connection with success. Yet my dream of starting a pet boarding business has come to life just like that, with astonishing speed and effortlessness.

My favourite ways to be mean to myself.

The exercise I liked most from this week is the “10 ways I’m mean to myself” one.

1. Saying yes to others even when I already have plans
2. Not allowing myself “expensive” food
3. Not feeding myself well, in fact
4. Not giving myself sufficient buffer or margin (time-wise)
5. Comparing myself to idealised people (sometimes fictional)
6. Belittling my own blog posts
7. Feeling like I don’t deserve, say, LASIK
8. Being too frugal
9. Eating 7-11 sandwiches even though I wanted quinoa salad
10. Holding myself to higher standards than for others

Filling it out quickly, it became obvious that a huge chunk of it is around food and money. I make it a point to keep my pets and Jon well-supplied with food, yet I don’t do the same for myself. I’ll often eat something that I don’t really want, just to save $1 or $2, rationalising that it doesn’t matter because it’s “just” food. I’m also reluctant to spend money on myself; small things like erasers are okay, but I really balk at big-ticket ones like LASIK or an oven.

Another theme here is being critical of my own work rather than being kind. Which is weird because I don’t think I am a critical person at all. I am quite happy to read even bad writing (The Spanish Love Deception made me laugh recently). So I think self-criticism is really self-censorship; me not wanting to be vulnerable.

Week 5 check-in

Morning pages: At least 2 out of 7 days were delayed because of the bunny houseguests… (Mornings just got a lot busier! I am trying to do all the bunny chores at night to free up some time in the morning.) I noticed something though: I’m starting to write reflections on themes and topics rather than just recapping my day and what’s on my mind. Most of this post, for example, was written as morning pages.

Artist date: This weekend was supposed to be one epic artist date. I bought myself a Singapore Writers Festival pass and planned to spend all weekend absorbing new creative ideas! Unfortunately, Saturday morning I woke up with a stomach bug and spent most of the day vomiting, so that was a wash. Sunday was better: I went for yin yoga and then SWF events by myself and then Jon joined me later.

Issues this week: N/A