2025 Weeks 13 to 16: Weeks where decades happen
^ As the Lenin quote goes...
I have so much to update from the past 4 weeks that it is impossible, not to mention pointless, to go into significant detail for any of them. A quick note-to-self will have to do here.
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The biggest life change is that I am now "seeing someone". (I hate the term "seeing someone" because it's so vulgar and objectifying, like you can replace one person with another.)
It happened pretty quickly and unexpectedly. When I rebooted the online dating account a couple of months ago, I wasn't interested in anything serious. To be perfectly honest, I only wanted to meet a few non-monogamous people, learn about their experiences, maybe write something about it while figuring out if it was for me. But then I met someone who I'm actually developing feelings for. And despite my reservations about the relationship escalator, escalation is most definitely happening. Fast, too.
It's made me realise how flawed the idea of casual dating is in my current circumstances. I already have a home I live in, a life I like, and things I want to work on. Unlike dating in my 20s, I'm no longer trying to fill my calendar with fun dates or make a list of prospective people to fuck because I'm bored. I don't have the time or inclination to dick around anymore. The only new people I'd want to meet are those who seriously interest me.
There's nothing like a new relationship (especially one that is not hierarchical - no concept of "primary partner" vs "side piece") to test an existing one. It's forced me to get honest with myself and Jon about what I want. I admit the guilt and pressure of being a "hinge" (polyamory jargon) got the better of me in the past couple of weeks. Why was I making life extra difficult for myself? I tried to micromanage Jon's love life to assuage my uneasiness, which pissed him off and led to yet another long open discussion.
The upshot is that I want good relationships with both partners while maintaining (rebuilding?) a strong sense of self. That involves (a) disentanglement (b) noticing and fighting codependent tendencies and (c) working out how to communicate.
That's the big project at the moment. I've started most of the steps in this post, including sleeping apart. I've also started seeing Joel's therapist, particularly to help me with codependency. Recognising your own needs and taking responsibility for them - what a novel concept!! It's early days yet, but things are good right now. I hope they stay this way.
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2 months into my new job and having major reservations. Alas, I must admit that I hate it. I put off my work tasks as long as humanly possible and experience a bodily rebellion every time I have to get round to it. It feels so wrong to me. I hate that it takes up so much brainspace and is making me forsake the other things that are important to me (the co-op, my writing and drawing, research projects).
I guess having money to throw at things was fun for like, a week. But you can't pretend to be satisfied by something you're not. The only way to cope with this scenario is to be the hyper-alienated employee, the person who works for something else (mortgage, retirement, whatever). You need a defensive stance: "it's just a job!" For most people, that seems to work. I don't know where they find the strength.
Sometimes feel like David Harvey's Marx, Capital and the Madness of Economic Reason can be read as self-help:
It is from the spaces of not-value and unalienated labour that a deep and widespread popular critique of the capitalist mode of production and its distinctive form of value and its alienations can be mounted. And it is from these sites too that the lineaments of a post-capitalist economy might best be identified. To be a producer of value and surplus value within a capitalist mode of production is, Marx noted, not a blessing but 'a misfortune'.
I made a list of things I'm working in this job for. These fall into 2 categories. The first is Life Upgrades: room revamp, a new computer, LASIK, a few new appliances, new underwear, get tubes tied, therapy etc. The other is Projects to Bankroll: largely independent media and spaces (there aren't exactly many).
Once I earn enough to cover these, I'm afraid my reason to continue working will cease to exist. And that day might arrive pretty soon...
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I've been travelling a lot. In Jan/Feb we went to Baguio. In Mar I went to KL over the Hari Raya long weekend (what a fateful trip). And in April Jon and I went to Japan for 2 weeks. Company notwithstanding, these trips have not been soul-satisfying. Lin Yutang's The Importance of Living nailed it:
Either travel is "vagabonding" or it is no travel at all. The essence of travel is to have no duties, no fixed hours, no mail, no inquisitive neighbours, no receiving delegations, and no destination. A good traveller is one who does not know where he is going to, and a perfect traveller does not know where he came from.
It's strange, but I think I enjoyed travel a lot more as a relatively broke person. My short trips to Jogja, Bali, Penang, KL and Hoi An last year were not "impressive" but it was quite glorious to experience luxury at low cost. Also (maybe because I was more emotionally stable and not seeking to escape aspects of everyday life) I was more curious and observant back then.
Travel was one of the things I thought would give my continued employment meaning, but I think I can now rule it out (unless it's something more immersive, like housesitting or building earthships).
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Okay I think that's the big ones for now!
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