2025 Week 7: Midlife Crisis

I have been oscillating between high (plans and ideas buzzing like flies in my head, delusions of grandeur, deranged optimism, desire to spend thousands of dollars) and low (crying uncontrollably, boiling anger, can't feel anything, can't find reason to live, "my life is over") states.

The photos from my week make me laugh. Such a mismatch with what's in my head during those low times. I obviously have an enviable life: playing with Lego, reading Marx at Tea Chapter, amazing spread at dinner party, delicious eggplant that Jon fried, eating Okinawan food. This week I asked people for support and received industrial amounts of love from Joel, Van, Gerard, even Elaine. Finally, I have a partner who really really gets me, and as long as he lives, I will never be alone.

Even so, the midlife crisis thing is real. I was blubbing to Gerard on Friday and talking about Manfred Max-Neef's fundamental human needs. Even though it seems to be a story about affection, he thought the issue was identity.

You mean, my crush was actually about me? That's not to say he doesn't have redeeming qualities - left-wing men are my kryptonite, after all. But this one infatuation (almost typed "inflammation" lol) seems to have brought my two selves/orientations in conflict: Past Clara (25 years old, attention whore, wants to be wanted) and Future Clara (38, wants to channel accumulated adult capital to make a difference). Getting over it requires untangling the two selves, and realising that some things in my life might need to change to make way for Future Clara.

I've been thinking a lot about what Alicia said about her life goals: she picked one thing and has been chipping away at it for the past 10 years. Quite crucially, it wasn't a "calling" that chose her. She decided that it would be the one thing to focus her finite life on. So existentialist! I want to be like her. (Max-Neef words that jump out: "consistency", "commit oneself", "everyday settings".)