2024 Week 20: Identity

We put on makeup and went out. Watched a movie (Lee Chang-dong's Secret Sunshine), ate Burmese food and tried cakes at Muji. This going out thing feels very weird, like I'm cosplaying being employed in a white-collar job. 

I love this hojicha cherry chocolate cake. Lately I have been looking for what I think of as a "wageslave hobby". You know, some easy way to fritter a lot of money so that I can be a motivated employee. 

Apart from money (for which I have to brainstorm ways to spend) I don't really have a compelling reason to work. Deep down it is probably "identity" or "meaning" or "purpose" but I don't want that to be my reason. Because I'm scared it'll be taken away from me again. It has taken me so many years to recover from the previous loss and my self-confidence is still very fragile.

So $8.90 cakes can be my reason to go back to work.

My makeup look was not bad considering I was crying throughout putting it on lol. Jon made an attempt with his face but he wiped it off. I gave him a natural look with just a bit of concealer, eyeliner and barely-there eyeshadow. 

I am not sure what to write. I didn't write my weekly reflections at work. This was my last week as a community work intern so I mainly wrapped up my door-knocking and outstanding admin work. Tomorrow I will start work in a new department, volunteer management.

I feel disillusioned and disappointed. I thought that I would find it meaningful to work with low-income residents. It sounds beautiful. But in reality there doesn't seem to be much we can do apart from give food rations and organise parties. I often felt like I was working in People's Association. 

The residents I have talked to seem self-sufficient and reasonably happy with life, not ashamed or upset about their situation. It's hard to imagine that I can provide anything they need or want. Feels like I'm getting more out of these interactions than they are. To struggle and strive for success seems a waste of energy. The beauty of life is in the little things. 

I saw 2 community members, husband and wife, strolling hand-in-hand around the neighbourhood at 3pm on a weekday afternoon. Such peace, such simple happiness! I wondered how anyone could pity them or think of them as "needy". I pitied instead all the functioning people who were, at 3pm, stuck in meetings trying to collaborate with multiple stakeholders.

... So I'm back to Square One. I'm still lost. I guess after my internship ends I can just continue rabbit boarding and get round to reading War and Peace.

I talked to the counsellor at REACH on Tuesday. Wasn't expecting much, but it spurred some serious soul-searching. I've been thinking about the battle between persona vs. identity. In my adult life there's been a lot of persona-switching and dabbling (occupations, fields of study). Yet I also yearn for something more enduring, an identity (values, what's important to me, my place in the world).

I see now that I have been trying to locate my identity in the persona. I latched on to social services because I thought that was the kind of person I wanted to be. 

The counsellor made me backtrack a little and think about what was already in my life. That makes me realise I am already anchored in the world in significant ways. The centre of my life is Jon, our pets, our house. The circle radiates outwards to encompass our families and friends. Yoga, reading, drawing, cooking, travelling. These are the things that are important to me and that compose my identity. Not any sort of job...