2024 Week 18: Stretched Thin

Internship notes: Week 5

• MON: admin, door knocking
• TUE: (day off)
• WED: (public holiday)
• THU: door knocking, homework support group
• FRI: admin, NVC group practice, JBM house painting

I've been very lucky. In 13 years of working, I've never had to deal with bosses, apart from that one manager who always timed my visits to the toilet and gave me constipation as a result. Generally speaking my ex-bosses and I mostly ignored each other. They knew I was competent and self-motivated. They left me alone and trusted me to deliver.

At my internship the dynamic is different. I'm starting from zero. If I want to learn, then I have to defer to my supervisor. Tail her like a little kid, listen to what she has to say. And wow, it was a new struggle.

At first I was overwhelmed by the vast amount of info she downloaded to me. To be fair, she did warn me. But my initial reactions to the 3-and-a-half-hour meetings was to bristle like a porcupine. Why is she saying all this stuff? Do I really need to know so much? I simply could not process it all. After reaching saturation point, my brain simply shuts down and I'm not functional for the rest of the day.

Thinking about it now, I realise that the barrage of info simply reflects the general nature of community work. Community workers don't have a specific focus (e.g. employment, childcare, housing). Instead they (we?) are always looking for ways to link people up. We need to file away every single detail, because we don't know what would come in handy in the future. Maybe the skill I have yet to develop is listening without trying to process.

Another thing about my supervisor bothered me. I thought she didn't steer a wide enough berth from people's personal life boundaries. For example, my colleague took the day off work for school (she's studying part-time) but my supervisor asked her to come back for a work meeting. Another time a volunteer couldn't make it to something because he had a family emergency. She asked him to come by later if he can.

In theory, there's nothing wrong with asking. But when the person being asked sees my supervisor as a quasi-authority figure and wants her approval, it's hard to say no. At least that's how I would feel in their place. (Maybe the problem here is that I project my people-pleasing tendencies onto others?)

After getting to know her, I realised there's no malice behind these requests. I think her philosophy is more like "if you don't ask then the answer is always no". That’s something I can get behind. Anyway, now I feel silly for letting it bother me so much. Am I going to close doors in life because I feel a little uncomfortable? No! I would rather work on my confidence and practise making my preferences known.

On that note, this week felt more manageable than the last because of the short week and the fewer late nights. 

Working nights seems a perpetual issue in community work. After talking to a colleague from another team who confessed she’s still bothered even after 5 years, I conclude that night work crosses a personal boundary for some people, and it cannot be compensated for with flexible starting times. For me, I am more willing to work on weekends than at night and I’ll try my best to arrange things accordingly.

We went stag for the door knocking this week. I think I did okay, all things considered. Some of the residents seemed reserved, maybe because they have no existing relationship with me. But I also hit it off with others right off the bat. Human interactions are so unpredictable!

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Jon and I went to JB on Tuesday. We got our blackheads dug out, ate McDonald's nasi lemak, and I snapped up these cute bunny rugs from Mr DIY. I think Shai Hulud likes them.

I've still been crying a lot. Sometimes I view my life as a horror movie. Texas Wageslave Massacre. Is this how it's going to be? Burning my weekends scrubbing the toilet, having time for yoga only once a week? Grabbing convenience groceries because I don't have time to cook or even cut fruit anymore? Feeling guilty about neglecting my pets and our boarders? I don't know that this is worth any amount of money... 

I am so tired I don't even feel it in the body anymore. On Friday during NVC we did a body scan, and I noticed that my head neck and shoulders feel like they have turned to stone. Like a marble bust, totally inert, dead eyes.

I went for an e2i career coaching session. It was okay. I found it comforting that the coach had nothing much to say about the mess that is my "career". At least he didn't make me feel like a failure. Importantly, I got the validation I needed for my change in career plans. I don't want to be a social worker anymore. Instead, I will complete my internship and look for a job as a generic comms executive in a social service org. Something with hybrid work so I can work on my ashtanga yoga practice 3 times a week, yes, I would like that.