2024 Week 13: Discomfort

Big changes this week. (Just as life was getting quite boring...) 

My carefully-laid plans for 2024 have been disrupted. So I originally thought I'd just goof off for the rest of the year while waiting to apply for the Career Conversion Programme for Social Work. Do some internships/volunteer, take care of rabbits, travel a bit, continue doing food delivery for the money...

But on Tuesday I went for an interview at Beyond Social Services, and the results were unexpected. Not only was it a given that I'd join as intern, they were also willing to consider me for the full-time community worker vacancy (Beyond's equivalent of social worker) despite my lack of "relevant qualifications". If that happens, I won't even have to undergo the Career Conversion Programme (and the possible 18-month employment bond zzz) to join the social work industry.

The interview made me excited but also very fearful. A million "what if"s. What if I'm not cut out for this? What if I suck at relating to people? What if I end up hating everyone? What if I can't protect my boundaries and burn out? Well, fear isn't so bad - better than apathy. At least fear points me to the areas I would like to grow in.

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Anyway, for now, I've signed up for a 3-month internship at 4 days a week. Technically it starts on Mon 1 April, but they invited me for 2 Iftar events on Thursday and Friday as a sneak preview.

And what a sneak preview... Discomfort on so many levels.

I have never felt this middle-class and Chinese in my life. The only time I came this close to feeling like an outsider was wandering around in the UK, outside of London, in really white areas, but that at least was not "my country". It was a powerful and humbling experience.

The fact that I know nothing about what it's like to be working class - that really hit home. I have been playing at it with my low-wage retail or food delivery jobs. But what do I know? Saw quite a few guys in the community working for Foodpanda or J&T Express, and felt ashamed for thinking that gig work is "cool" (an impression almost solely based on our favourite delivery guy, Bob Neutral). It's hard manual labour that pays okay, but it's most definitely not a cool lifestyle choice.

Despite feeling profoundly awkward and embarrassingly white-collar, I was obliged to go and talk to people I had absolutely no rapport with. Talking to people (and getting rejected/ignored/side-eyed) is, apparently, one of the key elements of the job. At first I tried mimicking the full-time staff but that made me (and probably whoever I was talking to) want to die. Everyone has a different way of relating, and (I think) the key is to do so authentically, from the real you.

First impressions of the largely Malay Muslim families who showed up for the events. The parents are well-dressed, well-spoken, and have their heads in the right places. It's striking how they're not too concerned about academic or financial achievements, or even external appearances. When the staff worker asked some mothers about their dreams for their kids, most of them shrugged and said they just want them to grow up decent, kind and responsible.

Again I felt very conscious and embarrassed about the differences between that and middle-class Singaporean Chinese culture. (Just thinking how many conversations revolve around money, grades, achievements, investments and houses made me cringe.) Yet I belong in neither world. 

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Then there's discomfort on the "job" level. Firstly, I have been out of the full-time workforce since 2020 (the year I spent coasting by after being made redundant doesn't count). So I'm feeling a lot of resistance to the massive time and energy commitment of having a job. 

It's going to take me a while to get used to being away from home for 10 or 11 hours at a stretch (including meal break and commute). Plus, work bleeds into the nights pretty often due to the timing of community events. I will have a lot less time for my pets/reading/hanging out at home/exercise/hobbies. Then again, I'll have no time to get bored, which is great. 

I'm glad I opted for a 4-day week. (The default for full-timers is 5.5 days!) On the other hand, it would reduce my pay even further. 

I find myself sometimes bristling at the thought of making so little money, and I question why. Am I really so ungenerous with my time and skills? Have I seen myself as a "human resource" for so long, a commodity pegged to a certain market rate, that I can't accept a non-capitalist remuneration framework? Or am I just looking out for myself? 

Whichever it is, I'm reminding myself that this is only temporary. The urge to run away like a scared cat is there, as it has been in other instances I took a risk in my life. But I can acknowledge it without acting on it.

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On another note, Dune Part 2 is so good. I want to watch it again. I wish there was a screening just for stupid fanboys/girls so we can all scream "LISAN AL GAIB!!!" at the screen together.

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VERY IMPORTANT BUNNY UPDATE: We have acquired Blueberry, whom we currently refer to as "the floor rug".

I captured Eeyore and put him in the "bonding room" so they can get to know each other. So far, it's been pretty one-sided. Eeyore likes her and keeps trying to be near her, but she seems to keep her distance. Sigh... okay, it's only been a day? I hope she falls in love with poor Eeyore soon.