2023 Week 12: PackCon

I'm feeling existential this week. I complained to Jon that I don't really have interests outside of the domestic sphere (pets, partner, house).

Sometimes I go on Meetup.com with the vague idea that I should be making new friends. I rack my brains for interests to type into the search bar, but I can't think of any. I love books but I'm not very well-read; I love animals but I don't volunteer at the SPCA; I love eating but I'm not a foodie. Then there are the random things I love, like sunshine and cheap fountain pens and good water, but these things do not ''interests'' make.

''Well that's not true,'' he said. ''Your interests are packing cubes. You would go for PackCon if there was one.''

Ah, it's true. I am still hanging out on websites like OneBag.com and HerPackingList.com and thinking about Gear. 

The Daiso packing cubes are my latest obsession. Trying out packing cubes (I KNOW) for the first time ever and I'm sold, sold, sold. They keep bulky sweatshirts nice and compact, eliminate dead space in your bag, corral loose socks and hat... but maybe what I like most are their un-advertised purposes. Stack 2 in a duffle bag and turn your bag into an in-flight footrest, or use them as yoga blocks on the road. I am a genius!

Another multi-purpose thing I found at Daiso is the humble bicycle bungee cord. Wrap it around your luggage for easy identification, attach a loose bag to the top of your suitcase, use as resistance band to pretend you're keeping up with your yoga practice while on holiday, or just use as a clothesline...

I'm not sure I'd go so far as to bring a pillowcase on board, but a zippered one, filled with clothes, makes a very nice cushion. It can also be used to contain stinky laundry.

I am sorry I do not have anything more intelligent to report. 

Actually I have been very high-strung over the past couple of weeks - anxiety over my first time travelling since Covid (and for 2 months!) - worrying about our pets especially Miaou the old cat - fear of things like falling sick or getting cold or running out of money in the UK. 

Maybe as a result of that anxiety, I had food poisoning on Tuesday. Luckily it was just one of those 24 hour bugs. After I recovered I ate my Favourite Food Ever, vegetarian brown rice cai png, which I always long for whenever I feel sick or depleted or upset.

On most other days I worked; then on Sunday we went to the Live Turtle & Tortoise Museum with Jon's family. It was pouring and I loved it!

Recently I've been incubating all these Big Plans and Wild Dreams. Mostly around travel. Short term: going on a solo train trip, hosting a couchsurfer, going to Bali during Nyepi, travelling with friends again, doing food delivery again, Taskrabbiting or similar. Long term: extended housesitting, working on a farm or animal sanctuary, running a guesthouse...

I recognise the feeling I have now - a sense of optimism and infinite possibilities - as what I felt last year when I was doing The Artist's Way. Ever since I quit full-time work, inspiration seems to follow a boom-and-bust cycle. First I have to experience existential funk and boredom and aimlessness, then, just as it becomes about unbearable, I get a sudden flow of ideas. 

This cycle would not be possible in a regular job, I think. Work has you in a constant state of stimulation - there is always the next deadline, issue, quarterly target or whatever - so you don't feel completely bored even if you are emotionally disengaged from the work. The inspiration cycle cannot happen if you don't have the chance to truly ''bottom out''.

In other news, partly prompted by a friend's recent breakup with an emotionally unavailable guy, I have been thinking a lot about ''attachment styles''. 

I believe I have an avoidant attachment style - yet I have these codependent tendencies where I feel responsible for my partner's happiness and emotions. The internal clash makes me very upset indeed. When I care, I feel angry at myself for caring, but of course I just blame the other person for being needy. I don't know, maybe I'm just throwing psychojargon around.

The interesting thing about attachment styles is that they seem to be almost innate dispositions, so it's not necessarily tied to your actual upbringing. If that's the case, then it doesn't seem productive to go through therapy to correct the ''root of the problem'' - the false promise of self-transformation. It makes more sense to accept that I will always be like that to some extent, except find ways to manage my emotions and relationships within the avoidant framework. Sort of like harm reduction.